I've thought long and hard about what I shall say to him. I told him part of it when he was corrupted but I don't know if he heard me in the frame of mind he was in.
[Madness, paranoia, and instability all laced through his mind meant it was possible he remembered very little, so Maul would have to reiterate what he'd already said.]
I'm sure they will be for a while longer. Hopefully this will help smooth things out a little. Not that I did it for that reason, of course, but it might be a nice side effect.
Would you believe I've spent most of the month taking care of other people? I never would have thought myself capable of it before coming to this place.
Take your time. I've been where you are when I messed up bad and had to talk more about what I was thinking at the time too. Just be honest and don't try to hide where your mind was, and hopefully he'll understand what you were thinking then.
[Luz still didn't know all of what was going on there but figured there were just some things she was not meant to know].
No, I know. I'm pretty aware of how you feel about Reaper. You wouldn't go and look after him just to get on everyone's good side.
Would I believe it? Yes, I would. I knew you had that in you, but you had to find the desire for yourself. No one was going to make it happen, they could only try to guide you there.
I hope so. It will be easier to get him to listen, I think, now that we're not merely yelling at one another trying to hurt each other as much as possible.
[Maul really is sincere in making reparations for what he's done to Reaper. He wants to get them back on track to where they had been before, especially with the amount of trust they had formerly possessed in one another.]
It is an interesting feeling, to care about people enough that you want to help keep them safe and from harm, trying to do something heal them if they have been hurt.
[By their standards. Jeez, being in a relationship seemed harder when you were both would be assassins (as far as Luz knew)].
Oh, it is! For you, I know caring about people like that is a whole strange new world. For me, I didn't really have someone to share that feeling with, friends or otherwise. Life changes things for you in ways you don't expect.
We didn't fight in over the year we've been together. I think this was bound to happen in a way.
[But now at least he has the chance to repair the bonds that have been broken between him and his mate.]
Yes, my life has been anything but predictable for the past two years. And it is strange for me. I never had any reason to care about other people because few people cared about me. But now I do. How odd.
You're probably right. Besides, fights happen in relationships eventually. It helps to remind the two of you how different you are and what you need to work on to make your relationship function.
[Luz. What would you even know about that].
Sometimes it happens slower for other people, I guess? If you're not taught empathy, I can't imagine it's easy to experience.
Oh it definitely is. I'm sure he's wanted to smother me in my sleep many a time.
[And yet somehow this is still one of the most healthy relationships Maul has ever been in.]
Maybe my family in my early years but I forgot what htat felt like for a very long time. The first real impression I had of my master is when he told my mother to abandon me to the care of a Nightbrother who felt the most effective way to instill discipline in me was frequent beatings and to deny me food. I strived for the man's love despite it being a futile effort but I hated him just as much. It's complicated.
[Luz was sure she would never understand how assassins wound up staying together in functional relationships].
That is pretty awful. I don't think I'd be how I am without my parents loving me as much as they did. Even though I wound up losing one, I never felt like they didn't care about me.
If anything, there were times I felt like I was too much for mine to deal with. Still feel like that sometimes. But I know I'm still lucky I never hated them.
It stinks that this happened to you. It must have made caring and being vulnerable so much harder.
Parents are directly responsible for shaping their children into who they will eventually become as adults. It is a very hard burden to bear and that is one of many reasons why I never want to have children.
[Well, that and the fact that unless Trench becomes much more technologically advanced in a short amount of time, biologically Maul can't. But he's content enough with being the psychopathic Sith uncle for some of the kids in town.]
It made all of that near impossible. The process of relearning what it felt like to care about someone only started once Savage and my mother came back into my life.
They are, but I think kids are also starting to form who they are too. If some parents aren't doing a great job, you have to figure out what you want and don't want to resemble them.
[Luz specifically was thinking of Amity when she said this: it was the best example she could think of when she thought of parents who might not have had the best ideas].
That can't have been easy. I still can't imagine how most of us here would have been able to be different from you if we were raised like that.
[Luz couldn't have imagined not breaking under that kind of care].
I only ended up resembling my father in all the worst ways possible. At least a few of my mother's good traits managed to slip in as well.
[Talzin had committed cold-blooded murder and done far worse in the course of protecting her family, something Maul had inherited as well.]
I am glad at least someone here recognizes that. So many people seem to think I should have somehow come out of being raised by a monster as some kind, good-hearted person. They greatly underestimate just what he was capable of doing to be. Anyone who wouldn't have broken under that sort of care either would have had to be a saint or a madman.
Oh. That's a shame. I think I actually got some of my father's good attributes! He was a bit goofy himself!
[Meanwhile when Luz got mad or stubborn, she certainly resembled her mother. The only thing she was missing was the dreaded chancla].
No, trust me, I know it's a struggle to get out of that every day. People who never had to go through that are just not going to understand how easy it is to slip back into the ways you were taught.
[Again, thinking of Amity, but also the boys, who still had to sometimes fend off their worse impulses].
They did. I'm sure wherever dad is, he'd love to hear that, and mom would just be pleased to know that I'm still bringing my enthusiasm to other places!
[Thinking of them hurt, of course, how could it not? They were her parents. But she knew part of her would still be back home, trying to fix things as best as she could].
We're all taught how to deal with anger sometimes, Darth Maul. Sometimes its distractions, sometimes you have to face it head on, and sometimes you just need someone to remind you that you have great things still happening for yourself.
Well, it may not be the most healthy way of dealing with it, but I don't seek to ever lose it. Anger has served me thus far in my life and I think it shall serve me for far longer.
I think everyone needs a little bit of anger in their life. If they didn't have that, they would just be fine with anything that happened to them.
You just have to know when you don't need it to be front and center all the time, right? Any emotion we feel can be harmful if it's the only thing that we put up.
The problem is usually when anger isn't at the forefront of my mind something like hate or the desire for revenge is. I don't generally have a lot of positive emotions that color my thoughts from moment to moment.
I usually try to temper my more negative feelings through a hobby. I paint. I go flying. Heck, I ride the Fathiers (saddle needed). Doing that reminds me there's more to my emotional well-being than dwelling in a bad place. It only hurts me if I stay there anyway.
I've been getting better with creative outlets. I take care of the pets, I've learned how to draw, I even go out for walks in nature now. Being with people I care about helps too. It makes those positive emotions easier to find. That's why I missed having Reaper around. He brings me such happiness.
That's a good idea! That helps me out too, honestly. I get so bogged down by the bad stuff most of the time, I can forget that there are plenty of good things happening to me too!
I'm glad to hear that. Reaper is a pretty calming presence in our house too. That's why we're glad he's still decided to live here!
He cares for all of you a great deal. Even in his worst corruption, he was still focused on protecting the household. He's really much more soft under the surface than he'd ever want to admit.
[And were he awake, he'd likely have made Maul delete that before sending it.]
I know. It's actually kind of funny how many people in this house have had complicated pasts, and despite that still love each other in the house. I just hope it stays that way.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2022-04-27 08:22 am (UTC)[Madness, paranoia, and instability all laced through his mind meant it was possible he remembered very little, so Maul would have to reiterate what he'd already said.]
I'm sure they will be for a while longer. Hopefully this will help smooth things out a little. Not that I did it for that reason, of course, but it might be a nice side effect.
Would you believe I've spent most of the month taking care of other people? I never would have thought myself capable of it before coming to this place.
no subject
Date: 2022-04-27 11:48 am (UTC)[Luz still didn't know all of what was going on there but figured there were just some things she was not meant to know].
No, I know. I'm pretty aware of how you feel about Reaper. You wouldn't go and look after him just to get on everyone's good side.
Would I believe it? Yes, I would. I knew you had that in you, but you had to find the desire for yourself. No one was going to make it happen, they could only try to guide you there.
no subject
Date: 2022-05-01 10:23 am (UTC)[Maul really is sincere in making reparations for what he's done to Reaper. He wants to get them back on track to where they had been before, especially with the amount of trust they had formerly possessed in one another.]
It is an interesting feeling, to care about people enough that you want to help keep them safe and from harm, trying to do something heal them if they have been hurt.
no subject
Date: 2022-05-01 11:43 am (UTC)[By their standards. Jeez, being in a relationship seemed harder when you were both would be assassins (as far as Luz knew)].
Oh, it is! For you, I know caring about people like that is a whole strange new world. For me, I didn't really have someone to share that feeling with, friends or otherwise. Life changes things for you in ways you don't expect.
no subject
Date: 2022-05-02 08:55 am (UTC)[But now at least he has the chance to repair the bonds that have been broken between him and his mate.]
Yes, my life has been anything but predictable for the past two years. And it is strange for me. I never had any reason to care about other people because few people cared about me. But now I do. How odd.
no subject
Date: 2022-05-02 09:33 am (UTC)[Luz. What would you even know about that].
Sometimes it happens slower for other people, I guess? If you're not taught empathy, I can't imagine it's easy to experience.
no subject
Date: 2022-05-05 12:04 pm (UTC)[Mainly when Reaper started to throw his little "woe is me, no one will ever love or want to stay with me, a broken, bitter old man" pity parties.]
It's near impossible if you've never felt it before. I had to ask Usagi once what empathy felt like because I had no idea what it was.
no subject
Date: 2022-05-05 01:00 pm (UTC)[Which was...probably good? Their relationship was still very weird to Luz].
Really? You mean you never felt any kind of feeling of kindness for anyone? Even for your master when you didn't realize what he was like?
cw: mentions of physical child abuse
Date: 2022-05-14 11:00 am (UTC)[And yet somehow this is still one of the most healthy relationships Maul has ever been in.]
Maybe my family in my early years but I forgot what htat felt like for a very long time. The first real impression I had of my master is when he told my mother to abandon me to the care of a Nightbrother who felt the most effective way to instill discipline in me was frequent beatings and to deny me food. I strived for the man's love despite it being a futile effort but I hated him just as much. It's complicated.
no subject
Date: 2022-05-14 02:46 pm (UTC)That is pretty awful. I don't think I'd be how I am without my parents loving me as much as they did. Even though I wound up losing one, I never felt like they didn't care about me.
If anything, there were times I felt like I was too much for mine to deal with. Still feel like that sometimes. But I know I'm still lucky I never hated them.
It stinks that this happened to you. It must have made caring and being vulnerable so much harder.
no subject
Date: 2022-05-23 12:36 pm (UTC)[Well, that and the fact that unless Trench becomes much more technologically advanced in a short amount of time, biologically Maul can't. But he's content enough with being the psychopathic Sith uncle for some of the kids in town.]
It made all of that near impossible. The process of relearning what it felt like to care about someone only started once Savage and my mother came back into my life.
Luz just casually slipped that she lost a parent. Smooth!
Date: 2022-05-23 03:52 pm (UTC)[Luz specifically was thinking of Amity when she said this: it was the best example she could think of when she thought of parents who might not have had the best ideas].
That can't have been easy. I still can't imagine how most of us here would have been able to be different from you if we were raised like that.
[Luz couldn't have imagined not breaking under that kind of care].
no subject
Date: 2022-05-27 11:16 am (UTC)[Talzin had committed cold-blooded murder and done far worse in the course of protecting her family, something Maul had inherited as well.]
I am glad at least someone here recognizes that. So many people seem to think I should have somehow come out of being raised by a monster as some kind, good-hearted person. They greatly underestimate just what he was capable of doing to be. Anyone who wouldn't have broken under that sort of care either would have had to be a saint or a madman.
no subject
Date: 2022-05-27 01:13 pm (UTC)[Meanwhile when Luz got mad or stubborn, she certainly resembled her mother. The only thing she was missing was the dreaded chancla].
No, trust me, I know it's a struggle to get out of that every day. People who never had to go through that are just not going to understand how easy it is to slip back into the ways you were taught.
[Again, thinking of Amity, but also the boys, who still had to sometimes fend off their worse impulses].
no subject
Date: 2022-05-29 09:21 am (UTC)[She manages to put up with Maul, of all people, so clearly they had done something right.]
Exactly. Some people wonder how I can be so angry all the time. I wonder how they never feel so much anger all the time.
no subject
Date: 2022-05-30 06:38 am (UTC)[Thinking of them hurt, of course, how could it not? They were her parents. But she knew part of her would still be back home, trying to fix things as best as she could].
We're all taught how to deal with anger sometimes, Darth Maul. Sometimes its distractions, sometimes you have to face it head on, and sometimes you just need someone to remind you that you have great things still happening for yourself.
no subject
Date: 2022-05-31 08:07 am (UTC)<--says the hypocrite
Date: 2022-05-31 11:21 am (UTC)You just have to know when you don't need it to be front and center all the time, right? Any emotion we feel can be harmful if it's the only thing that we put up.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-05 10:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-05 02:00 pm (UTC)I usually try to temper my more negative feelings through a hobby. I paint. I go flying. Heck, I ride the Fathiers (saddle needed). Doing that reminds me there's more to my emotional well-being than dwelling in a bad place. It only hurts me if I stay there anyway.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-07 09:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-07 02:20 pm (UTC)I'm glad to hear that. Reaper is a pretty calming presence in our house too. That's why we're glad he's still decided to live here!
no subject
Date: 2022-09-02 11:12 am (UTC)[And were he awake, he'd likely have made Maul delete that before sending it.]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-02 01:53 pm (UTC)But I won't tell if you won't.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-03 09:26 am (UTC)[But they're already a lost cause with this particular girl given how Luz knows exactly what they're like beneath the surface.]
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