Oh it definitely is. I'm sure he's wanted to smother me in my sleep many a time.
[And yet somehow this is still one of the most healthy relationships Maul has ever been in.]
Maybe my family in my early years but I forgot what htat felt like for a very long time. The first real impression I had of my master is when he told my mother to abandon me to the care of a Nightbrother who felt the most effective way to instill discipline in me was frequent beatings and to deny me food. I strived for the man's love despite it being a futile effort but I hated him just as much. It's complicated.
[Luz was sure she would never understand how assassins wound up staying together in functional relationships].
That is pretty awful. I don't think I'd be how I am without my parents loving me as much as they did. Even though I wound up losing one, I never felt like they didn't care about me.
If anything, there were times I felt like I was too much for mine to deal with. Still feel like that sometimes. But I know I'm still lucky I never hated them.
It stinks that this happened to you. It must have made caring and being vulnerable so much harder.
Parents are directly responsible for shaping their children into who they will eventually become as adults. It is a very hard burden to bear and that is one of many reasons why I never want to have children.
[Well, that and the fact that unless Trench becomes much more technologically advanced in a short amount of time, biologically Maul can't. But he's content enough with being the psychopathic Sith uncle for some of the kids in town.]
It made all of that near impossible. The process of relearning what it felt like to care about someone only started once Savage and my mother came back into my life.
They are, but I think kids are also starting to form who they are too. If some parents aren't doing a great job, you have to figure out what you want and don't want to resemble them.
[Luz specifically was thinking of Amity when she said this: it was the best example she could think of when she thought of parents who might not have had the best ideas].
That can't have been easy. I still can't imagine how most of us here would have been able to be different from you if we were raised like that.
[Luz couldn't have imagined not breaking under that kind of care].
I only ended up resembling my father in all the worst ways possible. At least a few of my mother's good traits managed to slip in as well.
[Talzin had committed cold-blooded murder and done far worse in the course of protecting her family, something Maul had inherited as well.]
I am glad at least someone here recognizes that. So many people seem to think I should have somehow come out of being raised by a monster as some kind, good-hearted person. They greatly underestimate just what he was capable of doing to be. Anyone who wouldn't have broken under that sort of care either would have had to be a saint or a madman.
Oh. That's a shame. I think I actually got some of my father's good attributes! He was a bit goofy himself!
[Meanwhile when Luz got mad or stubborn, she certainly resembled her mother. The only thing she was missing was the dreaded chancla].
No, trust me, I know it's a struggle to get out of that every day. People who never had to go through that are just not going to understand how easy it is to slip back into the ways you were taught.
[Again, thinking of Amity, but also the boys, who still had to sometimes fend off their worse impulses].
They did. I'm sure wherever dad is, he'd love to hear that, and mom would just be pleased to know that I'm still bringing my enthusiasm to other places!
[Thinking of them hurt, of course, how could it not? They were her parents. But she knew part of her would still be back home, trying to fix things as best as she could].
We're all taught how to deal with anger sometimes, Darth Maul. Sometimes its distractions, sometimes you have to face it head on, and sometimes you just need someone to remind you that you have great things still happening for yourself.
Well, it may not be the most healthy way of dealing with it, but I don't seek to ever lose it. Anger has served me thus far in my life and I think it shall serve me for far longer.
I think everyone needs a little bit of anger in their life. If they didn't have that, they would just be fine with anything that happened to them.
You just have to know when you don't need it to be front and center all the time, right? Any emotion we feel can be harmful if it's the only thing that we put up.
The problem is usually when anger isn't at the forefront of my mind something like hate or the desire for revenge is. I don't generally have a lot of positive emotions that color my thoughts from moment to moment.
I usually try to temper my more negative feelings through a hobby. I paint. I go flying. Heck, I ride the Fathiers (saddle needed). Doing that reminds me there's more to my emotional well-being than dwelling in a bad place. It only hurts me if I stay there anyway.
I've been getting better with creative outlets. I take care of the pets, I've learned how to draw, I even go out for walks in nature now. Being with people I care about helps too. It makes those positive emotions easier to find. That's why I missed having Reaper around. He brings me such happiness.
That's a good idea! That helps me out too, honestly. I get so bogged down by the bad stuff most of the time, I can forget that there are plenty of good things happening to me too!
I'm glad to hear that. Reaper is a pretty calming presence in our house too. That's why we're glad he's still decided to live here!
He cares for all of you a great deal. Even in his worst corruption, he was still focused on protecting the household. He's really much more soft under the surface than he'd ever want to admit.
[And were he awake, he'd likely have made Maul delete that before sending it.]
I know. It's actually kind of funny how many people in this house have had complicated pasts, and despite that still love each other in the house. I just hope it stays that way.
Thank you for that, Luz. I like people to still fear me.
Well, I should be going. Reaper will be waking up soon and we need to have a long talk before he can properly start healing. It's going to be a while until he's back on his feet at full strength.
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timeasmymeasure
no subject
Date: 2022-05-05 12:04 pm (UTC)[Mainly when Reaper started to throw his little "woe is me, no one will ever love or want to stay with me, a broken, bitter old man" pity parties.]
It's near impossible if you've never felt it before. I had to ask Usagi once what empathy felt like because I had no idea what it was.
no subject
Date: 2022-05-05 01:00 pm (UTC)[Which was...probably good? Their relationship was still very weird to Luz].
Really? You mean you never felt any kind of feeling of kindness for anyone? Even for your master when you didn't realize what he was like?
cw: mentions of physical child abuse
Date: 2022-05-14 11:00 am (UTC)[And yet somehow this is still one of the most healthy relationships Maul has ever been in.]
Maybe my family in my early years but I forgot what htat felt like for a very long time. The first real impression I had of my master is when he told my mother to abandon me to the care of a Nightbrother who felt the most effective way to instill discipline in me was frequent beatings and to deny me food. I strived for the man's love despite it being a futile effort but I hated him just as much. It's complicated.
no subject
Date: 2022-05-14 02:46 pm (UTC)That is pretty awful. I don't think I'd be how I am without my parents loving me as much as they did. Even though I wound up losing one, I never felt like they didn't care about me.
If anything, there were times I felt like I was too much for mine to deal with. Still feel like that sometimes. But I know I'm still lucky I never hated them.
It stinks that this happened to you. It must have made caring and being vulnerable so much harder.
no subject
Date: 2022-05-23 12:36 pm (UTC)[Well, that and the fact that unless Trench becomes much more technologically advanced in a short amount of time, biologically Maul can't. But he's content enough with being the psychopathic Sith uncle for some of the kids in town.]
It made all of that near impossible. The process of relearning what it felt like to care about someone only started once Savage and my mother came back into my life.
Luz just casually slipped that she lost a parent. Smooth!
Date: 2022-05-23 03:52 pm (UTC)[Luz specifically was thinking of Amity when she said this: it was the best example she could think of when she thought of parents who might not have had the best ideas].
That can't have been easy. I still can't imagine how most of us here would have been able to be different from you if we were raised like that.
[Luz couldn't have imagined not breaking under that kind of care].
no subject
Date: 2022-05-27 11:16 am (UTC)[Talzin had committed cold-blooded murder and done far worse in the course of protecting her family, something Maul had inherited as well.]
I am glad at least someone here recognizes that. So many people seem to think I should have somehow come out of being raised by a monster as some kind, good-hearted person. They greatly underestimate just what he was capable of doing to be. Anyone who wouldn't have broken under that sort of care either would have had to be a saint or a madman.
no subject
Date: 2022-05-27 01:13 pm (UTC)[Meanwhile when Luz got mad or stubborn, she certainly resembled her mother. The only thing she was missing was the dreaded chancla].
No, trust me, I know it's a struggle to get out of that every day. People who never had to go through that are just not going to understand how easy it is to slip back into the ways you were taught.
[Again, thinking of Amity, but also the boys, who still had to sometimes fend off their worse impulses].
no subject
Date: 2022-05-29 09:21 am (UTC)[She manages to put up with Maul, of all people, so clearly they had done something right.]
Exactly. Some people wonder how I can be so angry all the time. I wonder how they never feel so much anger all the time.
no subject
Date: 2022-05-30 06:38 am (UTC)[Thinking of them hurt, of course, how could it not? They were her parents. But she knew part of her would still be back home, trying to fix things as best as she could].
We're all taught how to deal with anger sometimes, Darth Maul. Sometimes its distractions, sometimes you have to face it head on, and sometimes you just need someone to remind you that you have great things still happening for yourself.
no subject
Date: 2022-05-31 08:07 am (UTC)<--says the hypocrite
Date: 2022-05-31 11:21 am (UTC)You just have to know when you don't need it to be front and center all the time, right? Any emotion we feel can be harmful if it's the only thing that we put up.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-05 10:02 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-05 02:00 pm (UTC)I usually try to temper my more negative feelings through a hobby. I paint. I go flying. Heck, I ride the Fathiers (saddle needed). Doing that reminds me there's more to my emotional well-being than dwelling in a bad place. It only hurts me if I stay there anyway.
no subject
Date: 2022-07-07 09:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2022-07-07 02:20 pm (UTC)I'm glad to hear that. Reaper is a pretty calming presence in our house too. That's why we're glad he's still decided to live here!
no subject
Date: 2022-09-02 11:12 am (UTC)[And were he awake, he'd likely have made Maul delete that before sending it.]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-02 01:53 pm (UTC)But I won't tell if you won't.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-03 09:26 am (UTC)[But they're already a lost cause with this particular girl given how Luz knows exactly what they're like beneath the surface.]
no subject
Date: 2022-09-03 04:44 pm (UTC)[Oh, she did, but she knew enough to try and not leak out their secrets].
no subject
Date: 2022-09-04 08:34 am (UTC)Well, I should be going. Reaper will be waking up soon and we need to have a long talk before he can properly start healing. It's going to be a while until he's back on his feet at full strength.
no subject
Date: 2022-09-04 09:22 am (UTC)Right, you do that. Be sure to let him know that I'm keeping his usual spots warm for him in the house!
no subject
Date: 2022-09-04 09:26 am (UTC)I'll talk to you later, Luz.